Well, the day has arrived. This week was Valentine’s Day. Last week I wrote about the different definitions we can derive from a study of the four words for love in the Ancient Greek language…agape, eros, philia and storge.
In this week’s article I want to come up with what I have found to be the definition that most resonates with me. It comes from Scott Peck, and this is how he defines love;
“I define love thus: The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”
What I really appreciate about this definition is that it focuses on self as well as on others. Love that is truly healthy and impactful begins with learning how to accept, respect and love myself. Thomas Aquinas in his definition of agape love says that love is to will the good of another. I am absolutely convinced that before I can consider the good of another I have to consider my own personal good. If I carry a lot of self judgment and treat myself poorly, then my focus on loving someone else comes from a place of need and not from a place of gift.
The issue here has to do with personal value. If I do not value myself, then I will seek to draw my sense of value from others. I call this nectar sipping. In this way I am looking for validation outside of myself which ultimately places expectations on others that are impossible to meet. This will result in constant frustration and disappointment.
On the contrary, if I learn to accept, respect and love myself, I will be comfortable with myself and not need to constantly look to others for validation. The difficult question is, how do I learn to love myself? Let’s get back to Peck’s definition and especially consider the importance of spiritual growth as it pertains to self love.
To extend oneself for the purpose of spiritual growth is to seek out connection with something larger and more meaningful than ourselves. This is our pursuit of a higher awareness concerning who we are (identity), what we are here to do (purpose), and what gifts we have to achieve this higher purpose (spiritual gifts). This growth represents our drive for meaning and connection with the infinite.
Once I get a sense of who I am and what I am here to do, I feel centered and whole. I am no longer focused on gaining my sense of value through my doing but through my being. The difference for me sounds something like this; I am a spirit being connected to the universe and all that is in it, as opposed to, I am a father, a facilitator, a life partner, a friend, a golfer. One definition identifies the things I do and the other identifies who I am.
As I connect to this higher awareness of who I am, then I need to discover some of the spiritual gifts that allow me to fulfill my sense of purpose. Some of my spiritual gifts include intuition, creativity, inspiration and wisdom. The doing part of my life now becomes nothing more than looking for opportunities to express my gifts. In this way I get to show up being me and doing what I do.
The second part of Peck’s definition on love says that I need to extend myself for the purpose of another’s spiritual growth. My love for someone else is an extension of my love for myself and has the same intention. I want those I love to find their sense of identity and purpose in life. I want them to feel comfortable in their own skin and to express their spiritual gifts in a way that really makes a difference in someone’s life. There is nothing that brings me a greater sense of joy than to see someone I love and care for being comfortable in their own skin making a difference in someone else’s life. I honestly believe that Christine and I have taken our love to another level entirely by supporting one another in our individual and relationship purpose. It is a part of the work we do for other couples in Couples Connections.
Ultimately, to love someone is to desire their ultimate good. Agape love encompasses the idea of unconditional love. It is a spiritual love that does not have an expectation of receiving anything in return. I’m not sure how possible that actually is, however, it is certainly something to strive for.
I’m willing to keep working at it, how about you?
Next week I want to talk about how love is a force.
Terry
