I just completed running another Deeper Connections program and I was once again reminded of the value of the Leadership Commitments. These commitments are important to me as I need life principles to guide me daily. They serve as my moral code of conduct and my sense of self respect and personal peace is deeply rooted in my ability to live according to these principles.
Here is commitment number four.
I fully express my true, genuine self in life.
This leadership commitment is an extension of commitment number two. That commitment says I need to “tell myself the truth and frequently ask, what am I pretending not to know.” One of the truths that is so difficult to come to terms with is that I perform for people’s acceptance and approval. If I am not convinced that who I am is not good enough for those around me, then I will provide people with a version of me that I believe will be good enough. I call these pretend versions of me, imposters.
An example of one of my imposters comes out of a journal excerpt from a number of years ago. The name of this imposter is the indispensible one. Here is what I wrote about this imposter.
“I protect myself by creating a ‘glittering image’, an imposter, who is dedicated to seeking the approval of people. I utilize my talents to endear people to me. I draw people into a dependent relationship so that they feel I am indispensable to them. I become the pillar of strength that they can lean on. However, I protect myself by making these relationships professional. I do not need these people in the same way that they need me. In this way, if these people exit my life I do not suffer the pain of severing a close bond. There are a very few people whom I allow to get deep into my heart. If I keep people out then they cannot hurt me if they leave.
My deepest fear is a fear of rejection and abandonment. I do not want to place my heart in the hands of individuals who will eventually walk away from me. I will usually evaluate an individual who is new in my life, and determine whether I will be able to live up to the expectations they have of me. If I determine that it will be a losing proposition then I will begin to cut that person out of my life. I will avoid having to deal with them so that I won’t feel their expectations. In effect, I will reject them before they have a chance to reject and desert me.
I protect myself by projecting a cool, calm exterior. I exude outer confidence so that people cannot see a heart ravaged by fear and doubt. My anxiety disorder robs me of belief in myself. It convinces me that I have no emotional control. Maybe the greatest fear is losing control of me in front of a group of people, that I will be stripped bare of all the façade of outer confidence and people will see me as I actually am…a weak, fearful, cynical individual. As long as people see this talented, composed outer image, then I can fool myself into believing that I am OK. I have something to live for because people need me.
The problem with maintaining this imposter is that it requires an amazing amount of mental and emotional energy to keep it performing. And, I have discovered that no matter how hard I try to please others, I cannot please everyone. Attempting to build my sense of well being on someone else’s opinion of me is a fool’s quest. It places my self worth in the hands of someone else.
So; the key to building my sense of well being and self worth, is found in me. The only person’s opinion about me that really counts is mine. How I see myself and what I think about me is always going to be the determining factor in my sense of well being and self worth. If people’s opinions are a determining factor in what I think, then I have to find a way to let go of just how important those opinions are and learn to accept me just as I am.
Self Acceptance
Self acceptance takes place when I am able to embrace all of me, the good, the bad and the ugly. I have a Shadow Self that is dark and at times destructive but I also have a Sacred Self that is filled with brilliance and beauty. Self acceptance means that I do not make my Shadow Self my enemy. I choose to see it as my teacher. I have discovered that I can learn a lot from my Shadow’s presence in my life. The role of the Shadow is to provide resistance and adversity as I travel through my personal journey. Who I am as a person has been shaped through the adversity that the Shadow provides. Probably the most glaring example of this was with the struggle I had with an anxiety disorder. I struggled with panic attacks from the time I was fifteen until my early thirties. The outcome of that struggle was to learn how to tap into the deep well of inner peace resident in my Sacred Self. The more aware of the struggle in my Shadow the more I discover the potential within my Sacred.
When I embrace the role of both the Shadow and Sacred Self in my life it sets me free to be my true authentic self. I do not have to pretend or perform any longer for people’s approval because I approve of me. This is really the goal of personal development, to accept, respect and love myself.
The passionate pursuit of my life is to be authentic. How about you?
Terry
